Getting your partner to change often seems so difficult to do. Perhaps that’s because when we ask them to change something we start with an expectation of how it’s in their best interest to do so and “if you really loved me you would change this behavior”. This often creates a power struggle where both partners lose. But it is possible to create a win-win situation.
So here is a 7 step process from The Couples Institute to help you create a change in your partner. The key to success here is that the process helps your partner feel motivated to change instead of feeling coerced.
Here’s what you do.
1. Make a list of the top three things your partner does that annoy you. For example, drops clothes around the house; gives you the silent treatment; doesn’t do their share of household tasks, etc. Then, select the one problem that has the best chance of your partner responding to your unhappiness. Only focus on one problem at a time. Let’s go for a common one here and say the problem is that your partner is not pulling their weight around the house.
2. Describe the problem in clear detail. This includes what your partner does and your reaction to the problem. For example: “Honey, Can we talk about a problem that is bothering me? When you come home from work it seems like you start reading the mail, change your clothes, turn on the TV, or return a phone call without looking around and noticing the kids are cranky, squalling for dinner, and I’m swamped just getting dinner ready. You never seem to notice what’s going on around you. This problem has persisted for over a year now with little relief in sight.”
3. Describe your reaction to the problem. “When you act so oblivious, I think you are so selfish and I feel angry, alone, and resentful. It hurts me that you can’t see I need help. When I feel that way I end up being chilly to you and withdrawing any spontaneous signs of affection. I don’t like how I react but that is what I have been doing.”
Here is the “formula” for describing the problem.
A) You have specified the behavior of “not pulling his weight” by giving specific examples.
B) You have given your reaction to it by stating: “when you do (the behavior) I think_____ (forexample, you’re inconsiderate...) and I feel _____ (for example, angry, alone, resentful), and then I do _____(for example, withhold affection). It is important to let your partner know what your complete response is to the behavior that is a problem. Especially let them know what you do when you think and feel the way you do. This really informs your partner of the consequence to them when they do the undesired behavior. Include in your reaction the meaning of the problem for you. For example, not pulling their weight represents not being loved, respected, or valued.
4. Be empathetic. Tell your partner why you think that it would be hard for them to change the undesired behavior. This lets them know you see the problem from both perspectives and that you have an appreciation for what you’re asking them to change.
For example, “Honey, I think pitching in when you get home would be difficult because you feel depleted and want some time to yourself in order to regenerate. I think pitching in at the level I want is a lot to ask of you.”
5. Describe how you will help. Because you’re not just going to make a request and then hopefor the best, (this hasn’t been successful in the past, neither has been nagging or pleading) the next step is to describe what you will do to help your partner make the change you want. For example, “Honey, your pitching in is so important to me when you get home that I will do _____________ .” (Fill in here something that you think will be a high motivator for your partner to make the requested change.)
6. Ask if they are willing to make the change you’re requesting. They may agree to all or part or none of your request. They might say “no” to you but would be more willing to consider the change if you offered a different motivator or inducement to change. Then you
can decide if it is worth your efforts.
7. Find out why. Regardless of whether they are willing to change or not, ask why. Knowing why they are willing to change will help you understand what motivates them. You’ll be able toencourage them more effectively along the way. If they don’t want to change, finding out why will help you determine how to move forward. In that case you still have 2 more options. One, you can ask if this is a temporary or more permanent condition. If it seems there will be no change for now, let them know the consequences — how you think, feel and act — and then drop it for now. The second option is to go to the second problem on your list and repeat the sequence described above.
Of course the biggest improvements in a couples’ relationship come when both people change and grow. But there are often things you’d like your partner to change, and this format helps you do it in a way that supports both of you.
Adapted by Marie Kish
Original article written by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson,
