For Women Who Do Too Much...

For Women Who Do Too Much…

By Marie Kish, LCPC

How many of us get caught in this trap?  There are never-ending to do lists of chores, shopping, and other errands, not to mention work and/or childcare and the everyday management of our household.  What time is left for us?  Usually little to none.  No wonder we feel so stressed out by our hectic lives.  How long can we continue this pattern until we begin to feel totally burned out?

Self-care for busy women is not an option, it’s a necessity.  So how do we take this nonstop treadmill we’re running on and find the button to turn off the machine at least for a little while every day.  Maybe the path to answering this question begins with understanding why we are running on the treadmill to begin with.  Why do we feel compelled to take on so much responsibility for everyone and everything?  Is it cultural?  Is it traditional values?  Is it the way it was done in our family?  Is it spousal expectations?  Is it an internal feeling of needing to be needed?  Are we afraid that if we don’t take on this responsibility, no one else will and everything will fall apart?  Our motivations for doing what we do can be complex and emotionally compelling.  So the first step in understanding why we do what we do is to look at our beliefs and see how they hold us on the treadmill.   

Once we understand how we got to this place of perpetual motion, we need to look at how to change some of our beliefs and find a way to create some time for us.  This involves learning to use our time more wisely.  We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  Usually we ask ourselves, “How can I get more done in less time?”  I would suggest that the better question might be, “How can I prioritize my time so that I’m doing the things that are most important to me and minimizing the time I spend on activities I do not value? 

If you think that all of your responsibilities are important and none can be dropped, consider the 80-20 principle.  Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist, determined that 20% of what we do yields 80% of the results.  Conversely, 80% of what we do yields 20% of the results.  Let’s apply this principle to everyday life.  For example, let’s say that 20% of the newspaper is worth reading.  The rest could just be skimmed.  Most people find that a good 80% of their mail is junk mail, not worth taking the time to read at all.  Just about 80% of your housework could wait almost indefinitely, while 20% of it requires regular attention to keep your home habitable.

So let’s look at the general outline of a plan that would help you to slow down, be less stressed and find more time to take care of you.

1. Clarify your values – determine what is most worthwhile or desirable to you.  Once you know this, you can begin to focus the majority of your time and energy on these values and less on the things that are not important to you.  Then begin to identify your highest priorities based on your values.   Just be sure to add taking care of you to your values and priorities. 

2.  Set goals – these are real life objectives that you want to achieve given the constraints on your time and other resources.  Goals should be consistent with your highest values, achievable, positive and balanced amongst your values.

3.  Develop an action plan – identify the specific steps you need to take to achieve your goals.  This is the most critical step in the process because it provides the road map on how you will get from where you are now to where you want to be.

4. Evaluate how you are spending your time now – works best if you keep a daily log of your time, filling it in as you go rather than estimating how much time you thought you spent on an activity.  Compare the log with your real priorities and determine what changes you want to make to bring your schedule into alignment with your goals and values.

5. Combat Procrastination – look at what activities you are avoiding and compare it to your values.  If it violates one of your priorities, will you take a stand not to do it?  If not, what can you do to change your circumstances so that in the future, you will no longer be violating one of your values?  If procrastination is still an issue, create an action plan to overcome it.

6.  Organize your time – helpful suggestions for doing this include getting an organizer, keeping your goals and action plans handy to remind yourself, planning for efficiency such as combining activities, minimize time wasters, learn to say no, make a list of things to do while you’re waiting, set aside short periods each day for quiet time, give your full attention to performing a high-priority activity and don’t forget to reward yourself for improving your time management.

So there are many ideas here to help you move from being a woman who does too much to a woman who has found a healthy balance in her life and can effectively take care of both herself and the others she cares about.  I hope that you can apply some of them to create a life where you can get your work done and still have enough time left over to enjoy yourself.