Grief and Children

Most people do not realize that grief is experienced across many different types of loss and transition. Feelings of loss often show up as a result of any life transitions. These can be positive transitions as well as unwanted transitions, including but not exclusive to, death.

Most recognized is grief experienced through loss of a loved one. However, grief can be felt when there are transitions precipitated by divorce, deployment, loss of job, diagnosis of life threatening illness, living with chronic illness, death of a pet or any other change that disrupts the balance of one’s life.

Children are not exempt from grief and loss. They feel loss and react to change just as adults do. However, their grief often presents itself quite differently than adults. Additionally, depending on developmental stage, maturity level, and social environment, grief can look different in children that are the same age. As a rule, each person’s experience with grief is unique to them and this is also true for children.

For those who know, as well as interact with children who are grieving due to any loss or life transition, the following are some basic principles for supporting children. Release fear or concern about speaking of the loss or change. Children feel changes and feel the energy of the adults around them when there has been a loss. By speaking about what is happening, at their invitation, it eliminates any ideas they may be making up in their creative minds. Often, what children imagine is scarier than the reality. This does not mean sharing all details of a death or relevant transition, rather sharing what they ask in an age appropriate way. For younger children, the response provided will be different than that of an older child or adolescent who can understand more.

Being honest, open and clear will likely satisfy the curiosity that they have while alleviating a child’s imagination. Avoid using metaphors, particularly with death, such as “they have gone to sleep” or “daddy got sick and could not get better.” This can create new fears and anxiety related to sickness or sleep.  Typically, children will initiate their questions or make statements related to the loss. A good rule of thumb is to follow their lead for questions related to changes in their life, such as divorce or illness, as well as with death. Be prepared to be repetitive in your responses, as you may be asked the same questions repeatedly. This is seen a lot more in the toddler to elementary age range.

An important consideration is that grief is often expressed differently in children than in adults. This may be confusing and challenging to adults who are likely to experience grief very differently than children. Children may manage grief with emotional numbing, episodes of anger, sadness, fear and regression. There may be an ebb and flow to these manifestations; times of playing and being adjusted that can unexpectedly be disrupted with no trigger.

Initial understanding of loss will be age dependent. For a young child, pre-school age, it is difficult to grasp the finality of losses. Therefore, younger children will have a completely different understanding of loss than that of a middle school age child. Likewise, as children become more emotionally mature, their understanding of loss and expression of grief will likely change. Thus, even if a child will adjust at one age, as they reach various milestones in their life, the grief may re-emerge with a different understanding or manifestation. In the instance of loss as a result of death, a young child may miss their loved one and wish to visit them or have them come home but as they become older, they will likely experience more of the implications of not having one of their parents at school functions, birthdays or holidays.

Children across all ages can thrive and adjust to loss in a supportive and nurturing environment. Things like sleep, diet and physical activity are basic needs that children of all ages need. Permission to share their feelings and permission to be creative in their expression of grief are also valuable in supporting grieving children. 

Again, grief is experienced in various types of circumstances. Children experience grief when their parents go through a divorce, they can experience grief when they move to a new home or location, and they grieve when a parent is deployed. Grief is not limited to death and response to one loss may not be the same for all losses. There really are no rules or one right way to manage feelings related to loss. Guidelines are provided as a resource and above all else, the loving presence and reassurance of a trusted adult can go a long way in providing space for a child to explore their response to loss.

Bonnie Triantafillos-Wright is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Grief Coach @ Healing Circles Wellness Center, Rooting Through Grief, LLC. She can be contacted at 301-712-9015 ext. 1046 or Bonnie@RootingThroughGrief.com.